When you look at me..

I felt my heart beating wildly inside my chest, the usual pain that grips it when I see you starting to spread, sending the butterflies directly to my stomach and weakening the muscles that support my knees.

How is it that after all these years you still have this effect on me? Why isn’t my older, wiser self stronger than my teenage self? These are questions I might never be able to answer, questions that I’ve been asking myself for years and yet find no answers to.

My God, all I want to do is run to you, to hold you, to cry against your shoulders, and to tell you that I missed you, that I forgive you and that I know you missed me too. No, I won’t say I love you, because that word cannot describe what I feel for you, no word can, no poems, no books. All you need to know, you’ll see in my eyes.

This is it.

Our eyes meet, we both scream, with the anguish of the years that separated us, with the pure love we shared, the happy moments we lived and the future we might have.

And then I see your eyes breaking away from me, someone else has taken your attention, her small hand grabbing your strong one, the other one directing your face to hers. An innocent smile spreads across her face as she calls your name, but the name she calls you was not the name I wished good night to, not the name I called in my dreams, not the name I write in my notes. I stare at her lips as I see them forming the name.. ‘Daddy’ she called you.

And I see the other women behind you.

I look at her and look at you, as you look at me, your eyes screaming to me again, screaming with sadness, with apology and with regret.

I don’t know what my eyes are telling you at this moment. I myself am lost for words.

If I could talk I would tell you that no one won in our sad game, you lost me and I lost you, and sadly we both remain prisoners in the small cage we built with our hands. Prisoners of the memories, prisoners of the lost happiness and the future we dreamt of, the one that will never come.

I look away, my heart slows down, my knees grow stronger, my feet start taking me away from you, again.

But the pain in my heart remains as I once again leave you behind.

You..

I have nothing left of you, even the memories have faded away. I sat tonight with the intention of thinking of you, of missing you, of longing for you as I’ve done for the past years but all I could find was your name and a deep sense of loss.

I lost the man I loved, the man who loved me more than anything in the world.

I was beautiful in your eyes, I always looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if you saw what I was seeing and I always smiled when I remembered that what you saw with your eyes was more beautiful than what I could ever imagine.

I miss you, but I lost the right to miss you. I lost even the right to just mention your name out loud, so your name will remain echoing inside my heart, and I will choke on the sound of it whenever I attempt to say it.

Someone else is saying your name at this moment, someone else is holding your hand, smiling at the sound of your voice and wishing you sweet dreams.

I wonder, every time I get this pain in my heart, are you also thinking of me?

When I want to remember you…

http://www.6arab.com/2010/6arab_song_listen_10852-rm.html

Love monologue.. (5)

I love you is a phrase so easy to say for many, but not for me.

I always wondered if you knew how much I loved you though, could you tell from my eyes?

You know how I knew you loved me? From the way you brushed my hair away from my eyes and held my hands that day in your car. That moment is the moment I will always remember for the rest of my life.. the moment I will cherish to the day I die.

Did you notice the way I looked at you? The way my eyes whispered? The way my heart breathed your name?

I love you are words I find difficult to say, but my eyes, my trembling fingers, my beating heart all repeat those words to you, and only for you, every second of my life.

Senses.. (27)

He hesitated as he picked up his phone to dial her number; thinking of what his sister said the previous night he considered speaking to her about what happened before, it was a long time ago, he tried convincing himself. He hadn’t seen her since the day she suggested that they have coffee together each morning, if he was honest with himself he would’ve admitted that it was too difficult for him to see her and pretend that he was OK with his decision to end their pretend engagement. He wished in fact that he didn’t suggest that they end the engagement soon, he should have insisted that they get married, after all how much more could she hate him?

He shook his head and dialed her office number, waiting for her voice to come through the machine, she picked up the phone almost immediately,

‘Fahad?’

He took in a deep breath and cleared his throat, ‘do you want to have breakfast with your fiance?’

‘umm.. sure’ she replied reluctantly, ‘where?’

‘come to my office, I brought breakfast with me’

‘OK, I’ll be there in 5 minutes’ she hung up and looked at her friend, ‘Manal?’

‘Yes?’

‘He wants me to have breakfast with him..’

‘So? What are you waiting for? GO!’

‘OK, OK, I’m going now..’

She walked to his office slowly, maybe this is their chance to work things out, she still loved him; what happened was painful but it’s time to put it behind her and move forward. She knocked on his door and walked in to find him sitting on his sofa, nervously re-arranging a plate of croissants,

‘Shda3wa Fahad, laish kelhay?’ she said smiling, he looked at her, taking in her smile and smiled back at her, ‘nothing’s too much for my fiancee, come here..’

 

Senses.. (26)

She sat watching her brother as he tormented himself, it broke her heart watching him like this but she knew there was nothing she could do. Her brother had to face Nouf and explain to her what happened. She had been in an accident the day before he cheated on Nouf with Zaina, she ended up in the ICU with a fracture in her spine that crippled her for 3 years. After several painful surgeries and long physiotherapy she was finally walking again, but she understood how that accident shocked Fahad and caused him to do what he did, she knew that her brother made a mistake, but deep down she understood that he was in shock and that he was most likely not aware of what he was doing at the time.

‘Fahad?’

‘Dana she hates me’ he said rubbing his hair, ‘her parents forced her to be with me, I would’ve never gone through with this engagement if I knew it was going to turn out this way.’

‘I’m sure her parents didn’t force her Fahad,’

‘You didn’t see her, she was crying in my office and I felt so bad, ya3ny mb kfaya what I put her through before..’

‘Fahad don’t you think it’s time that you tell her what happened?’

‘Dana mn 9ijich? Ya3ny would you forgive your husband if he had done something like that? And even if you did I would’ve killed him before you even had a chance to think about forgiving him. La I can’t tell her, your accident is not an excuse, I made an unforgivable mistake.’

‘Fahad yemken she won’t find it as an excuse but actually talking about it might give her the closure she needs and you might be able to get over it and move on. I know she loves you, I’m sure you do, so you owe it to yourself to at least try.’

He shook his head, thinking of his sister’s words, maybe just maybe it will work out and they could finally be together.

Senses.. (25)

He stood at his usual spot under the punishing heat, completely numb. All he could think of since that day were her words to him, she genuinely hated him. It was somewhat expected but for some reason, he didn’t see it coming, he thought that she had put the past behind her and that they could move forward together, he thought he saw, or maybe he imagined some glimpses of his old Nouf; the Nouf he knew 7 years ago.

He started to light his fourth cigarette when he saw her driving through the entrance, he decided that he still wasn’t ready to see her and quickly walked back to his office.

She has been miserable since the day she cried in his office. She didn’t understand her reaction, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t in love with him, and yet she couldn’t trust him, it was true that she still wasn’t ready for marriage, but she knew deep down that if she allowed herself and if she had spoken to him then they probably could work out her trust issues, also Manal’s lectures probably had some influence on the way she felt now. Her friend could sense that there was some weakness in her voice when she said she hated him, she also noticed that her friend kept checking her phone every five minutes for messages from him, messages that never came. He has been completely silent since that day in his office, that was another reason that made her miserable. She knew that he cared for her, and yet he completely gave up as soon as she said she doesn’t want to marry him.

She sat in her car thinking about their relationship, she has been always overly emotional; even now, she had one hundred different feelings everyday. Sometimes she felt that she hated him and sometimes she couldn’t imagine her life without him.

She walked in to her office with the same miserable expression she’s had for the past few days,

‘Manal?’

‘Morning to you too’

‘Manal, tell me what to do..’

‘You need to know what you want Noufa, honestly you’re behaving like a spoiled child. If you have something you say you don’t like it and if it goes away you cry for it. He told you he loves you, he sent his family, he asked to marry you and you told him you hated him. He told you he loves you and will do anything you want him to do even if its staying away from you and you cry because he gave up too easily. Make up your mind Noufa, I don’t know how he was with you before and I don’t care what happened, it was a long time ago, what I know is that the man I see today and everyday standing in the heat waiting just to see you for a few minutes is madly in love with you and deserves a second chance, so open your eyes and think of that.’

She nodded in agreement, ‘I guess, I’ll try..’

She walked slowly towards her fiance’s office, thinking of something to say. How will she seem to him if she just walks in and announces that she doesn’t hate him, in fact her feelings for him are the complete opposite.

‘Good morning, can I come in?’ she said, knocking his door lightly,

‘Sure, tefa’6ely’ he replied looking up from his computer. She walked in and closed the door behind her, without missing his raised eyebrow as she did so.

‘To what do I owe this honor?’ he said sarcastically when she sat on his sofa.

‘Can’t I come and have my morning coffee with my fiance?’

‘Nouf?’

‘Yes..’

‘Never mind.. so should I order your coffee?’

‘Please if you don’t mind’

He ordered the coffee and they were both silently sitting opposite each other until the teaboy brought in two cups of steaming coffee in to the office.

She sat on the sofa, sipping her coffee as he watched her until he got up and moved back to his desk,

‘I’m sorry I have some work to do if you don’t mind’ he said abruptly.

She felt as if he spilled the scalding coffee on her lap, in shock she got up and mumbled, ‘sorry, I thought I’d better show people in the office that we were a newly engaged couple, I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything, sorry I took so much of your precious time’

‘No problem’ he replied without even looking at her.

As she was leaving the office she noticed his cigarette pack on his desk, ‘I thought you were going to quit?’ she asked picking up the pack,

‘I was, but now what’s the point? I was going to do it for you, because I didn’t want the smell to bother you in our house, but since there won’t be an ‘our house’ I guess I don’t have to anymore.’ he answered looking her in the eye.

‘I’m sorry..’

‘No need to be sorry Nouf. You were right in everything you said the other day, trust me, I’ll make this as easy as possible for you. And you’re right about people noticing here in the office, from now on please do come every morning’

She slowly put down the cigarette pack from her trembling hand, she screwed up everything she thought to herself as she slowly walked away from him and left his office closing the door behind her.