How is it that after all these years you still have this effect on me? Why isn’t my older, wiser self stronger than my teenage self? These are questions I might never be able to answer, questions that I’ve been asking myself for years and yet find no answers to.

My God, all I want to do is run to you, to hold you, to cry against your shoulders, and to tell you that I missed you, that I forgive you and that I know you missed me too. No, I won’t say I love you, because that word cannot describe what I feel for you, no word can, no poems, no books. All you need to know, you’ll see in my eyes.

This is it.

Our eyes meet, we both scream, with the anguish of the years that separated us, with the pure love we shared, the happy moments we lived and the future we might have.

And then I see your eyes breaking away from me, someone else has taken your attention, her small hand grabbing your strong one, the other one directing your face to hers. An innocent smile spreads across her face as she calls your name, but the name she calls you was not the name I wished good night to, not the name I called in my dreams, not the name I write in my notes. I stare at her lips as I see them forming the name.. ‘Daddy’ she called you.

And I see the other women behind you.

I look at her and look at you, as you look at me, your eyes screaming to me again, screaming with sadness, with apology and with regret.

I don’t know what my eyes are telling you at this moment. I myself am lost for words.

If I could talk I would tell you that no one won in our sad game, you lost me and I lost you, and sadly we both remain prisoners in the small cage we built with our hands. Prisoners of the memories, prisoners of the lost happiness and the future we dreamt of, the one that will never come.

I look away, my heart slows down, my knees grow stronger, my feet start taking me away from you, again.

But the pain in my heart remains as I once again leave you behind.

I lost the man I loved, the man who loved me more than anything in the world.

I was beautiful in your eyes, I always looked at myself in the mirror and wondered if you saw what I was seeing and I always smiled when I remembered that what you saw with your eyes was more beautiful than what I could ever imagine.

I miss you, but I lost the right to miss you. I lost even the right to just mention your name out loud, so your name will remain echoing inside my heart, and I will choke on the sound of it whenever I attempt to say it.

Someone else is saying your name at this moment, someone else is holding your hand, smiling at the sound of your voice and wishing you sweet dreams.

I wonder, every time I get this pain in my heart, are you also thinking of me?

I always wondered if you knew how much I loved you though, could you tell from my eyes?

You know how I knew you loved me? From the way you brushed my hair away from my eyes and held my hands that day in your car. That moment is the moment I will always remember for the rest of my life.. the moment I will cherish to the day I die.

Did you notice the way I looked at you? The way my eyes whispered? The way my heart breathed your name?

I love you are words I find difficult to say, but my eyes, my trembling fingers, my beating heart all repeat those words to you, and only for you, every second of my life.

He shook his head and dialed her office number, waiting for her voice to come through the machine, she picked up the phone almost immediately,

‘Fahad?’

He took in a deep breath and cleared his throat, ‘do you want to have breakfast with your fiance?’

‘umm.. sure’ she replied reluctantly, ‘where?’

‘come to my office, I brought breakfast with me’

‘OK, I’ll be there in 5 minutes’ she hung up and looked at her friend, ‘Manal?’

‘Yes?’

‘He wants me to have breakfast with him..’

‘So? What are you waiting for? GO!’

‘OK, OK, I’m going now..’

She walked to his office slowly, maybe this is their chance to work things out, she still loved him; what happened was painful but it’s time to put it behind her and move forward. She knocked on his door and walked in to find him sitting on his sofa, nervously re-arranging a plate of croissants,

‘Shda3wa Fahad, laish kelhay?’ she said smiling, he looked at her, taking in her smile and smiled back at her, ‘nothing’s too much for my fiancee, come here..’

‘Fahad?’

‘Dana she hates me’ he said rubbing his hair, ‘her parents forced her to be with me, I would’ve never gone through with this engagement if I knew it was going to turn out this way.’

‘I’m sure her parents didn’t force her Fahad,’

‘You didn’t see her, she was crying in my office and I felt so bad, ya3ny mb kfaya what I put her through before..’

‘Fahad don’t you think it’s time that you tell her what happened?’

‘Dana mn 9ijich? Ya3ny would you forgive your husband if he had done something like that? And even if you did I would’ve killed him before you even had a chance to think about forgiving him. La I can’t tell her, your accident is not an excuse, I made an unforgivable mistake.’

‘Fahad yemken she won’t find it as an excuse but actually talking about it might give her the closure she needs and you might be able to get over it and move on. I know she loves you, I’m sure you do, so you owe it to yourself to at least try.’

He shook his head, thinking of his sister’s words, maybe just maybe it will work out and they could finally be together.

He started to light his fourth cigarette when he saw her driving through the entrance, he decided that he still wasn’t ready to see her and quickly walked back to his office.

She has been miserable since the day she cried in his office. She didn’t understand her reaction, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t in love with him, and yet she couldn’t trust him, it was true that she still wasn’t ready for marriage, but she knew deep down that if she allowed herself and if she had spoken to him then they probably could work out her trust issues, also Manal’s lectures probably had some influence on the way she felt now. Her friend could sense that there was some weakness in her voice when she said she hated him, she also noticed that her friend kept checking her phone every five minutes for messages from him, messages that never came. He has been completely silent since that day in his office, that was another reason that made her miserable. She knew that he cared for her, and yet he completely gave up as soon as she said she doesn’t want to marry him.

She sat in her car thinking about their relationship, she has been always overly emotional; even now, she had one hundred different feelings everyday. Sometimes she felt that she hated him and sometimes she couldn’t imagine her life without him.

She walked in to her office with the same miserable expression she’s had for the past few days,

‘Manal?’

‘Morning to you too’

‘Manal, tell me what to do..’

‘You need to know what you want Noufa, honestly you’re behaving like a spoiled child. If you have something you say you don’t like it and if it goes away you cry for it. He told you he loves you, he sent his family, he asked to marry you and you told him you hated him. He told you he loves you and will do anything you want him to do even if its staying away from you and you cry because he gave up too easily. Make up your mind Noufa, I don’t know how he was with you before and I don’t care what happened, it was a long time ago, what I know is that the man I see today and everyday standing in the heat waiting just to see you for a few minutes is madly in love with you and deserves a second chance, so open your eyes and think of that.’

She nodded in agreement, ‘I guess, I’ll try..’

She walked slowly towards her fiance’s office, thinking of something to say. How will she seem to him if she just walks in and announces that she doesn’t hate him, in fact her feelings for him are the complete opposite.

‘Good morning, can I come in?’ she said, knocking his door lightly,

‘Sure, tefa’6ely’ he replied looking up from his computer. She walked in and closed the door behind her, without missing his raised eyebrow as she did so.

‘To what do I owe this honor?’ he said sarcastically when she sat on his sofa.

‘Can’t I come and have my morning coffee with my fiance?’

‘Nouf?’

‘Yes..’

‘Never mind.. so should I order your coffee?’

‘Please if you don’t mind’

He ordered the coffee and they were both silently sitting opposite each other until the teaboy brought in two cups of steaming coffee in to the office.

She sat on the sofa, sipping her coffee as he watched her until he got up and moved back to his desk,

‘I’m sorry I have some work to do if you don’t mind’ he said abruptly.

She felt as if he spilled the scalding coffee on her lap, in shock she got up and mumbled, ‘sorry, I thought I’d better show people in the office that we were a newly engaged couple, I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything, sorry I took so much of your precious time’

‘No problem’ he replied without even looking at her.

As she was leaving the office she noticed his cigarette pack on his desk, ‘I thought you were going to quit?’ she asked picking up the pack,

‘I was, but now what’s the point? I was going to do it for you, because I didn’t want the smell to bother you in our house, but since there won’t be an ‘our house’ I guess I don’t have to anymore.’ he answered looking her in the eye.

‘I’m sorry..’

‘No need to be sorry Nouf. You were right in everything you said the other day, trust me, I’ll make this as easy as possible for you. And you’re right about people noticing here in the office, from now on please do come every morning’

She slowly put down the cigarette pack from her trembling hand, she screwed up everything she thought to herself as she slowly walked away from him and left his office closing the door behind her.

‘Yes..’

‘And he said he loves you but he won’t force you?’

‘Yes..’

‘So in a nutshell you both love each other but decided on the first day of your engagement to break up and never see each other again’

‘Yes..’ she replied while absentmindedly stirring her now cold coffee,

‘You’re crazy!’

‘Manal!’

‘What? How does anything I just said make sense to you?’

‘I don’t trust him Manal. I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering when he’s going to cheat on me, because he will. Once a cheater, always a cheater.’

‘He was young and immature, al7en he’s not!’

‘He wasn’t young, he was 27! I was the young one, and yet I was dedicated to him 100%, my life revolved around him. He threw everything away for a meaningless fling, and now he has the audacity to tell me he loves me? No, that’s unacceptable!’

‘Did you ever ask him why he did what he did?’

‘No. He didn’t even try to explain, it was like he wanted to say I did what I did, take it or leave it. So I decided to leave it. Manal you have no idea how humiliated I was, everyone I knew in London knew that we were together, and Zaina made sure that everyone found out that he left me for her. It took me months just to be able to leave my house without trying to avoid everyone I know. I ended up not speaking to half of London from sheer embarrassment, I was afraid they’ll ask me about him, I stuck only to my closest friends, I had to leave the university I loved and had wanted to study at for years. You have no idea what he put me through! I was going crazy, blaming myself for his mistake, thinking to myself that it must’ve been because of something that I did!’

‘Did you tell him all this?’

‘No and I never will! I love him, I still do, for a reason I don’t know. But I hate him for everything he put me through, for making me what I am today and for the six years I wasted of my life, comparing every man I meet to him’

‘And you will continue to do so Nouf. Don’t you see? Even if you do end up with someone else, you will always compare him to Fahad, so laish te’6lemeen nafsech o te’6lemeen Fahad? Talk to him Noufa, maybe he can make you forget, maybe you can end up together after all.’

‘La. Anyway khalas we agreed that after 2 months I’ll say that we didn’t get along and we’ll break up officially.’

‘I can’t believe he agreed to that without putting up a fight’

‘La 7abeebty, 3adi. He’ll easily find someone else, a9lan he probably didn’t think of me for the past six years, bs I happened to be working here and he remembered how it was before’ she said, shrugging her shoulder, pretending not to care that even the thought of such a possibility felt like a stabbing pain in her heart.

‘I don’t believe that. You don’t see how he looks at you, I do. The man is crazy in love. Kaifech, but I think you’re making a big mistake.’

‘Mabrook yumma, zain ma i5tert, mashallah 3alaiha, jamal o adab o a5laq’

‘Allah ybarek feech yumma, aham shay r’6ach 3alay’ he replied kissing her head,

‘Allah yer’6a 3alaik mithel ma galby ra’6y 3alaik inshallah’ said his mother, hugging him with tears in her eyes.

The next morning he couldn’t wait to get to the office, to see her, his fiancée, his wife to be. He took extra care as he was shaving, he made sure his thobe and ghetra were ironed to perfection and the burning 3ood was waiting for him on his way out of the house.

He typed a message to her as soon as he got to the office,

‘I can’t wait to see you 7abeebty, thank you for having faith in me, I promise you I won’t disappoint you. You won’t see me by the entrance today because I’m quitting smoking for you ‘

He smiled, waiting for her response, she hadn’t replied to his message yesterday either, but he just assumed that she was overwhelmed by everything happening so quickly. He re-entered her life 6 weeks ago, and he’s now her fiance.

Three hours later she still hadn’t replied to his message, he was starting to get worried, what if  she was sick? He left his office and walked over to hers wanting to ask her friend about her when he saw her sitting at her desk. He stood for a moment, watching her concentrate on the screen in front of her, biting her lower lip and frowning as she quickly typed in something on her computer.

’9ba7 il5air Dr. Fahad. Mabrook’

Manal’s voice broke the silence and she abruptly looked up to where he was standing, as soon as their eyes met, she looked away from him. She must be shy, he reassured himself.

‘Allah ybarek fe 7ayatech’ he replied smiling, ‘Nouf, do you mind coming to my office?’

‘Umm.. I’m busy shwaya, can it wait?’

shock registered on his face as he took in her response, why was she avoiding him? He could no longer lie to himself and make up excuses for her behavior, he needed to find out now.

‘No it can’t wait, I need to see you now, please come to my office.’

‘Na3am?’ she asked, walking into his office,

‘Please sakry ilbab warach’ he answered quietly,

‘la mayseer, shbeygoloon?’

‘Nouf, close the door’

‘Fine,’ she said closing the door behind her, walking reluctantly into the room, and sitting on his leather sofa

‘Noufa what’s wrong?’ he said as he sat next to her, putting his hand on hers,

‘Fahad don’t touch me’ she whispered, pulling her hand away from him,

‘What?’ he stared at her in shock, what happened all of a sudden, things were going so well before the engagement, and then she said yes and he thought that everything is falling in to place, why is she shaking with anger? why is she revolted by his touch?

‘I said don’t touch me’ she repeated, in a clearer voice,

‘Noufa I don’t understand?’

‘Laish 5e6abtny? Laish tejberny 3ala shay ana ma abeeh? I don’t want you, I never wanted to lay my eyes on you after that day! You breeze in to my life after six years and expect me to be waiting for you! I try to tolerate you and suggest that we become friends but you abuse that, and then bkel waqa7a etyey o te56ebny, and what makes it even worse is that my educated, open minded parents decide that you’re too good to say no to, and agree between them that they know better and that I cannot make this decision for myself and so I’m forced to be your fiancée, and I have to pretend in front of everyone in this office today and probably for the next few weeks that I’m the happiest girl in the world. Of course, why shouldn’t I be? I have the privilege of being engaged to the great Dr. Fahad! I can’t believe after all these years you still find a way to hurt me, I hate you!’

He could physically feel the pain of her words as she was saying them, the happy world that he has been imagining since last night came crashing down around him and all he could hear was the sound of her voice, the woman he loves, telling him how much she passionately hates him.

He stood up slowly, walking away from her as she sat on his sofa crying quietly. With his back to her, he tried to focus on what he could do now. He won’t force her to marry him, he loved her too much to do that, but he also couldn’t let go of her.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know’ he said quietly, ‘I thought things were going well and I wanted to prove to you that I was ready for commitment, ready to spend the rest of my life with you’ he continued, his back still to her, he couldn’t look her in the eye, he was too embarrassed but also, he didn’t want her to see the pain in his eyes, ‘it seems like I misunderstood.’ he said finally turning around to look at her.

‘O ba3dain?’ she whispered, wiping her tears with the tissues he offered,

‘We pretend that we’re the happy couple for some time, and then you can say that you got to know me and didn’t like me, your parents won’t say anything because you gave it a shot, they won’t force you to marry me, o ana ma ar’6aha 3alaich. I hurt you once before Nouf, and I promised myself that I would never do it again. I love you, I always have and I always will, so I will do anything you want. After we break the engagement I will leave this job, so you won’t have to see me anymore and it won’t be awkward for you or your family.’

She stared at him not knowing what to say, was she happy that he’s giving her what she wanted? Or was she sad that he gave up that easily?

How ironic was it that she was being forced into marrying the love of her life?

She recalled her conversation with her mother as she announced that this time she has had enough and won’t allow her daughter to dismiss yet another suitor,

‘Bas 3ad Noufo, latfakreen roo7ech yahel! Ilrayal ma yen3ab, met3alem, o weld nas feehum khair, o she’3la zain. Ba3ad shtabeen akthar min chethy?’

How can she explain to her mother that she cannot trust this man, even though he was all she wanted from this world? She cried and pleaded until in the end she finally gave up. Her mother would never understand, unless she told her the whole story.

How can she tell her that this same perfect man broke her heart six years ago?

‘Ma’am they’re here..’ announced her maid, she looked at her and nodded,

‘I’m coming..’ she said, slipping her feet into her waiting Manolos, and giving her self one last glance in her mirror.

As she neared the large majlis where the guests were waiting for her grand entrance, she could smell the fragrant 3ood wafting through the open doors. She forced a smile on her face and entered the room.

‘Mashallah, tabarak ilra7man’ his mother got up as Nouf neared her and kissed her on her head, she then moved on to his sister Dana, and kissed her cheeks as both mother and daughter watched her in approval, ‘ta3aly yumma ge3dy 7thay’ smiled the mother kindly, she couldn’t help but notice that she had her son’s beautiful eyes and Dana had his genuine contagious smile.

The evening went on beautifully, the women loved the bride to be, the groom was the happiest man on Earth.

‘I love you. I can’t believe this is happening’

She read his message one more time and cried herself to sleep.